King Jesus Capitalist Messiyah (Part Two)

This is part two of a three-part series, detailing the actual message conservative Christians apparently receive from reading passages of Scripture. It seems clear to me that their love of patriotism, their quest for national security, and their own personal will to succeed and be wealthy in life, effects, transforms and alters the Bible. They make it conform to their agenda.

Hopefully this doesn’t come across as too blasphemous. Praise Ye Yah!

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Open your Bible and read along!

Matthew 7:1-5 ‘Judge first and others won’t have opportunity to judge you. If you jump to conclusions and criticize their politics and beliefs, you put them on the defensive. Be superior minded for it is wise and intimidating and necessary for good prosperous leadership. How can you make your lazy poverty stricken brother’s see where their faults lie, if you are focusing too much on your own? In fact, in Me you are rich and you are saved, so don’t let them know you have any weaknesses. Have some pride, man! You are perfect now because you have accepted Me! If you are an achiever and know you are better than them, than tell them! God is with you and so am I, so you must see clearer than everyone else.’

Matthew 7:24-27 ‘Therefore whosoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will compare him to a wise man who builds his business with the cheapest laborers and the least concerns for the environment and endangered species. When markets fluctuate and the regulations designed by leftists’ lawmakers beat upon your well-earned profits, your house still stands. But those that hear My sayings and disregard my financial advice, I reckon them to be foolish, unproductive men who build their lives on blind faith. When things get tough and these zealots get to praying for prayers that are not answered, God will tell them to their faces, You fools, you should have done something more with your time on earth than depend on charity, community service and goodness. The world is a tough place and the strong take the weak and the lions eat the lambs. The fall of the zealots will be great.’

Matthew 8:19-20 ‘And a certain scribe came, and said unto Him, Master, I will follow thee wherever thou goest. But Jesus said unto him, Dude, I live in a gated community now. Sure, I might go about the land and hobnob with you all while I’m on tour but let’s be real about this. A person of your ilk could not afford to stay where I lay my head. I earned the right to have so many wonderful privileges and luxuries, so back off. Save it for the road.’

Matthew 8:28-32 ‘And when Jesus went into the country, there He met Him a man possessed with many weapons. And the man possessed with weapons asked Him what he should do with all this lethal firepower. And Jesus looked around and saw a good ways off that there were some idle young men who had just come of age and had no jobs or skills. And Jesus took all the weapons from the possessed man and gave them to these other young men. Jesus then sent the armed young men into far off places like Nicaragua, Korea, Vietnam, Yugoslavia, Libya, Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan to protect freedom and democracy. And the men ran violently, and many perished.’

Matthew 9:2-3 ‘And behold, they brought to Jesus a man sick of the palsy, lying on a bed. And Jesus said to him, Son, be of good cheer, for I shall now run some test on you. I’ll order a CAT scan, x-rays, blood work, and then consult some high-priced specialists. And when all this examination, analysis and assessment is complete and a costly determination has been made, we will run the underestimated bill past your insurance company. And if your HMO is willing to foot the bill, you might be up and kicking again in eight to ten months. Of course, after all the procedures are done, you might need to take certain medications for the rest of your life. And those medications aren’t cheap. They’ll probably cost you more in one month than you have made in your entire life. But if that’s what it takes to keep you alive, than that’s what you got to do. (This message was bought and paid for by Acme Pharmaceutical)’

Matthew 9:20-22 ‘And behold a poor woman who had arthritis, asthma and a host of other health problems, snuck up behind Jesus and stole an inhaler from his backpack and lifted his wallet. Jesus spun around quickly and knew immediately who had taken something from Him. It was the lady in the wheelchair casually smoking weed for her aches and pains that had done it. He pointed this criminal out to the authorities and said it really wasn’t about the value of the things that were taken but the principle of the matter. What kind of precedent does it set for civilized people if people who are desperate can smoke some dope and start taking the basic things they need to live from those who have way more than they will ever need? Jesus told her to expect a summons in the mail. He then began to preach to the crowd. If a person takes your cloke, don’t trust them or show them any mercy. Get that sucker back and more! Call Father, Son and Holy Ghost at 666-Eternity. There is never an excuse for anyone to steal from you. You earned what you have and they didn’t. They are entitled to nothing. Get a job, you bums, or get out of our country!’

Matthew 10:5-18 ‘And Jesus sent twelve apostles forth and commanded them, Go where the white Western Europeans live and avoid the places where the Samaritans, Latinos, Blacks, Asians and Mexicans congregate. Help our fellow brothers who are having their culture taken away from them by these inferior sub-cultures. Go my friends and help the lost sheep, the whites that have forgotten they are white. Tell them the good news, the gospel; that thanks to imperialism and militant might the kingdom is ours. And then to comfort them and any guilt they might be feeling, offer them some pseudo-psychological guidance and some legal prescription drugs. Tell them that because of their heritage they are better people than everyone else. Tell them that their culture is unequalled. Tell them anything their itching lily-white ears want to hear. Who cares? Make this stuff up if you have too. Heck, some of these people even believe in evolution – how stupid is that? Just make sure they give you lots of gold, silver, and brass for your time (try to pass on the brass, it’s pretty worthless for our purposes). Wear Armani suits and other fine clothing from the best boutiques so those with whom you speak will respect you before they even hear you talk. First impressions matter in this world. And if anyone rejects you and doesn’t want to pay you for your services or product, report them to the authorities and credit bureaus. Get them in all kinds of hot water. Sue them! Stomp your feet and make a scene. Show them whose boss. Let the whole world know that by denying you, they are denying God’s will. Use the great wealth you acquire to tie them up in court for years. Draw them up before councils and kings. Law is our friend.’

Matthew 10:23 ‘When people persecute you, hit back. And hit back fast and hard. You’re a Christian now so don’t take no crap from anyone.’

End of Part 2