King Jesus Capitalist's Messiyah (Part One)

Now I know these people read the same words I am reading when they read the Bible. But I can’t but help think there is some kind of disconnect happening, some wires getting crossed. When a God-fearing, Christ-reverencing conservative reads the Bible, they apparently process the message in a much different way than I do.

So today I am going to do the unthinkable and travel deep inside a conservative’s brain. Employing only a few verses from the book of Matthew, we are going to, through a three-part series, see what the final product looks like when it finally arrives in the conservative mind. I think the conclusion will be much like those lines of kids in school, and how the teacher tells one kid a story, and that kid tells the next kid the same story, and they continue to pass the story down the line but by the time the story reaches the last child, the tale has changed quite a bit, and sometimes hardly represents the genesis. For the Christian religious conservatives of the West, this adaptation and transformation of Christ’s preaching all apparently happens somewhere inside the tiny ear canal. The beautiful sounds of the truth only have to travel a short distance but there is apparently a great many obstacles, traditions and bias, littering the way.

Hopefully this doesn’t come across as too blasphemous. Praise Ye Yah!

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Take out your Bible and read along!

Matthew 1:20-21 ‘But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him, saying, Joseph, fear not, Mary thy wife shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call him Jesus: for he shall save His people from poverty and debts. Everybody that follows your kid is going to get rich because God will be on His side.’

Matthew 4:1-11 ‘Then Jesus was led up to be tempted by a devil. And He fasted forty days and was hungry. And the tempter came to Him and said, You’re doing great Jesus. Don’t worry about being hungry. Put the thought of hunger out of your mind. Man doesn’t live by bread alone but by every word from God. But Jesus said, The heck with that, what kind of God would want Me to go hungry when I have the power, the industry to make stones into bread. So He built a big stinky pollution-producing factory and the stones became bread and He ate and it was good. And the tempter came again and took Him into the city and placed Him on a pinnacle of the temple. The tempter said, I know this precarious place looks like a dangerous position to be, but its okay. Be long-suffering and uncomplaining and wait on the Lord. Do not tempt God with your impatient demands. But Jesus said, Hah! God loves Me! He will protect Me with His angels! I can do and demand anything I want and get away with it! And Jesus leapt off pinnacle and the angels came and lowered Him to the ground. And the tempter took Jesus up into an exceeding high mountain and showed Him the glory of world and its many kingdoms. And he said to Jesus, Don’t desire these kingdoms and their resources for your Father in heaven is preparing a better place for you. You will be glorified in that coming kingdom. Please, don’t covet anything here. And Jesus said, Get thee hence, Satan. I have eyes you know! The Lord wants us worship Him but He also gave us five senses! He wants Me to enjoy My life here on earth and be prosperous. I can’t help other people if I’m not prosperous! I can’t be happy and joyous and an inspiration to others if I am pitiful, poor and underdressed. If I can obtain more than I need and use it to benefit the people I want to benefit, there is nothing wrong with that. And the devil left and the angels came to Jesus and ministered to Him by giving Him silver and gold so He could go out and recruit and start growing jobs for His new ministry, His new cathedrals, His new hospitals, and His new kingdoms on earth.’

Matthew 4:23-24 ‘And Jesus went about all Galilee on a speaking tour. He arranged to have paid engagements in their most luxurious synagogues. He also healed all manners of disease for anyone with insurance to cover it. His fame went throughout all Syria, Rome, Western Europe and America.’

Okay, we know it doesn’t say these things – but this is what they hear!!!

Matthew 5:27-28 ‘Ye have heard old timers say, Thou shalt not commit adultery. But I say unto you, Come on people, we are manly men. What’s the big deal about admitting we like women? God’s not going to send us to hell just because we go to a peep show on occasion and think some nasty thoughts about women we want to lay with, even if these women are not our wife or wives. Lighten up people!’

Matthew 5:38-39 ‘Ye have heard it said by those same old timers a few verses ago, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for tooth. But I say unto you, Evil deserves what it gets. I don’t think God wants good people waiting around while evil people produce weapons of mass destruction. Good people don’t have to wait for those that are evil to strike them. Good people can be proactive and assume anything they want to assume for the sake of national security. God has no beef with good people chastising bad people because they are evil and deserve it.’

Matthew 5:43-44 ‘Ye have heard it said by you know who, Thou shalt love thy neighbor and hate thine enemy. But I say to you, love isn’t necessary. It’s all business and there’s no emotion in business. Go forth now you wonderful capitalists and do whatever prospers you best. Curse your neighbor and your enemy alike if they are lazy, pitiable card-toting unionized socialists. Persecute and deny assistance and a fair wage to any number of workers because without your business profiting and staying afloat, people wouldn’t have any jobs at all in this world and there would be utter chaos everywhere.’

Matthew 6:19-21 ‘Lay up for yourselves treasures in both heaven and earth because God loves you and wants you to be like Abraham and have both. There are pesticides to destroy moths and there are special oils to grease the works and prevent rust. Thieves on earth can be monitored, captured and punished so don’t worry about them. Everything on earth has value and its worth is whatever the market says it is. Be wise with your investments and soon your treasure, your little nest egg will be a hefty retirement fund and your heart will be extremely happy.’

Matthew 6:24 ‘Pish-posh, you can serve two masters, three masters, four, five or six, by wisely deceiving one or the others at precisely the right moments. You can serve God and you can serve money without either one being really insulted. God knows you need money, so don’t worry about it. Make as much as you like.’

Matthew 6:33-34 ‘Seek good employment while you are yet alive and God will bless your hard work. If you are willing to labor hard and get a college education, any job can be yours. Take no thought therefore for heaven and what will happen when you are dead. You got to get your career jumpstarted right now. If you don’t start saving soon for your retirement, you won’t have anything for your old age and your children’s college fund. There is no Medicare and Social Security, at least not after I get through with it! Sufficient unto the day is the opportunity to make more money thereof. Time is money and money is time and you don’t have much of either, so take this shovel and start digging you beatniks!’

End of Part I